Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
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*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Cool shirt 🙂
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends