I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
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If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Fries, not lies.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog