My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
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My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
“TGIM!” – My liver
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”