My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
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I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself