Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
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Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away