OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
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My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
when nothing goes right… go left
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year