whenever i wake up before my alarm
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A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Happy Febuary everyone!
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb