I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
You Might Also Like
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
socratic questions
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”