Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
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HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago