coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
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When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu