[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
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Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.