I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
You Might Also Like
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
black phone good
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.