Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
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Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
If I ignore life will it go away?
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”