ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
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Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
They got Raph!
decorating my apartment
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.