“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
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journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
i hate you platonically
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something