Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
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[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers