I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
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Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on