You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
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Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
They must have gotten it to go.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
What about second breakfast?
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.