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Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.