{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
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Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
This trial is so absurd 😭