My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
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Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Everything reminds me of my ex
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags