the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
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Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
The asteroid..