Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
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Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
my proudest tweet
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Bring back the McRib
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.