Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
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Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.