While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
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doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you