Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
You Might Also Like
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.