I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
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Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.