[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
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The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
When you let grandma cat sit
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.