Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
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*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance