Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
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There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Mood.. 😂
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
superman landing like a plane on his belly
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.