I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
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[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
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Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.