What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
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I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.