Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
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If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
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No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
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