Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
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if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
True.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.