If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
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You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom