Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
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-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Facebook memories be like
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy