the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
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[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job