Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
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I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
🤣🤣🤣
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.