I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
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Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV