If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
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me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast