My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
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Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss