I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
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Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
FINE, I WON’T.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.