I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
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A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.