I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
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Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab