My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
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The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.