told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
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If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.