Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
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For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
necessity is the mother of invention
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.