me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
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To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
I have two kinds of followers
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.