Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
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I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
sensitive skin
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.