in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
You Might Also Like
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
True
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”